


Pressing concerns

by chiapslock



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Coda to 2x08, M/M, Mentions of attempted suicide, done under the influence of a spell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 12:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9895607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiapslock/pseuds/chiapslock
Summary: (Spoilers for 2x08.)Alec tries to understand himself and what made him jump without worrying anyone else. They are at war and Alec's problem isn't big enough to justify bothering the others.He might be suicidal, okay, but he has his priorities straight.[Or the continuation to the 2x08 where Alec still doesn't get the help he deserves, but at least he takes a step in the right direction]





	

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS FOR 2X08. AND THE TRAILER FOR THE 2X09.  
> It started trying to find a way to give Alec the help he deserves while trying to work around the episode and the trailer for 2x09 but then it got away from me.  
> Nothing like this will ever happen, and we probably won't mention Alec jumping ever again, but I think it deserved something more.

The thing is… they say it was the spell, and sure it was, Alec can still feel his effects on him, but what he doesn’t tell them, what he doesn’t have the strength or the courage to ever say out loud, is that the spell made him hear all those terrible things, but it was him on that ledge.

He remembers everything he was feeling, he remembers thinking that was the only solution.

Alec has never thought of himself as… suicidal. He has bad days and he’s hard on himself because it’s the only way he knows how to be, but he had convinced himself he was stronger than this.

If Magnus had taken even a second longer arriving to the roof, if Clary hadn’t screamed his name loud enough for them to hear her… 

He smiles at Clary when she comes to him because he can see her guilt, the knowledge that her words were enough to bring him there. He hugs his mother because he had never seen her let down her guard so much in front of anyone.

There isn’t time to talk about him, he’s fine. They don’t need to know, not really, this is already enough.

 

Izzy is getting high on vampire venom, this is how they are going to start the week then. Alec doesn’t even know what to say to her, not because he’s angry at her, but because he’s angry at  _ himself _ . 

What was he doing while his sister was battling this? How could he have not  _ noticed? _ Just the other day he was talking to Izzy about having his first time and Izzy was going vampire to vampire asking for venom?

Magnus knew, is the thing, not about the addiction, but that Izzy was looking around, searching for whoever dealt Yin fen and he  _ hadn’t told Alec _ .

He knows it’s unfair to be angry at him, probably even more unfair to be furious at Raphael, that for how much he understood had actually tried to help, but he  _ is _ . He is so angry and  _ scared _ .

How could Izzy do this to herself? Was it his fault? 

Alec glances at Magnus, looking at him with hurt in his face; at Raphael, that’s holding his jaw even if he doesn’t really think he did that much damage with just a punch; at Izzy, that looks so small on the couch. Angel. Is Alec’s incompetence going to kill her  _ too _ ?

“You will stay here” he says, looking at Izzy “you two will keep her here while she sweats this off” he continues, looking at Magnus and Raphael and  _ hopes _ no one tries to say anything else.

“You’re not staying?” his sister asks, and he  _ wants _ to, he wants to stay there and be with her while she recovers, whisper to her that everything will be okay, that he will always love her. At the same time he wants to cry and he can’t really do in front of them and he doesn’t know how much time he has before he crumbles on the floor, unable to do anything else.

So he doesn’t answer. Maybe they won’t forgive him, but Alec has never forgiven himself anything, so he doesn’t see why anyone else should.

 

Everyone is talking about killing Clary. Werewolves, warlocks, vampires, fairies, even some shadowhunter… this is spiralling out of control way too fast.

“If this means stopping Valentine I…” she says, before both Jace and her nerdy vampire best friend/boytoy/who even knows anymore stop her. 

The death of Clary won’t really solve much in the long run, Alec wants to say, because all Valentine would have to do  _ then _ would be to find another angel. It didn’t take him even a month the first time.

Everyone here doesn’t seem ready to listen to reason, or to think calmly about this. 

Alec  _ has  _  to step up, it’s his role, the only thing he’s good at, being a shadowhunter (he tries not to think about being possessed, about being knocked down so easily at that warlock’s home) so he asks “What about the demon? The one that would destroy the Soul Sword?”

Izzy looks at him for a second, but things are still strange with them,  _ wrong _ , and their glances don’t carry the meaning they normally would. He doesn’t know what she’s thinking.

Magnus is the one that answers him, surprisingly, since he hasn’t been talking much to him either “I just can’t find him…” he says, “it’s not like Biscuit and Jace have given me many informations…”

“Next time I’ll ask the angel to give me a clearer vision” Jace immediately retorts, angry. 

They start bickering again, but Alec doesn’t look at them. He looks at the werewolf girl, the one that was the first to say  _ if killing Clary can stop this I will do it _ , the real reason why they’re having this discussion. She’s not crazy enough to do it here, obviously, and the fact that she said it in front of them all probably means that she doesn’t actually want to do it, but… she’s just one, but she’s not the only one.

He has already let Clary’s mother die, and he can’t…

Alec steps in front of the werewolf and stares at her.

“What?” she asks him. No one is paying attention to them, good.

“Have you talked with someone else? About this… killing Clary thing?” Alec thinks that being direct would probably be better in this kind of situation, but he has never been good at  _ this _ part. Convincing, making people follow him, he’s much more used to adapt himself to others.

“I…” she begins, but he stops her.   
“I think we should talk to them too,” he interrupts her “tell them it would be meaningless, that stopping Valentine together is the only way to get out of this. I want to talk with them”

The girl looks at him, looks at the rest of the room, that hasn’t taken notice of their little chat “You want to  _ meet _ them? They could kill you, you know?”

“I don’t really care” he says, and stops. The werewolf doesn’t know him enough to notice anything wrong, she doesn’t even blink. She thinks he means that he doesn’t care about the risk, that it’s something he has to do.

He doesn’t. He really doesn’t care if he dies. 

_ Oh _ .

 

In the end he doesn’t meet anyone because, as always, when things start to get bad for Clary she gets a stroke of luck. 

Alec is being unfair, he knows, because Clary had been in danger, hurt enough that an Iratze almost hadn’t been enough, but in the moment when she had been most vulnerable the angel head reached to her, explained to her that any greater demon will do, it just needed to be a completely pure demon blood.

It makes sense, after all pure angelic blood is required to wake it up, pure demon blood of the highest caliber is required to destroy it.

Magnus isn’t happy to hear it. 

“You don’t understand!” he says, “we don’t have the mortal cup! Valentine has it, summoning a greater demon it’s too dangerous”

“Can’t we just take the cup  _ before _ we do it?” Simon asks, naively.

“Oh, sure, because it’s so  _ easy _ ” Izzy say, sarcastic, but Alec thinks it might not be the worst idea.

“But this time we have something we didn’t have before…” he says, “we knows more than  _ he _ does and we have Clary, something  _ he _ wants”

“You want to give him  _ Clary _ ?” Jace screams, betrayed and Alec just looks at him, unimpressed.

“I would do it!” Clary pipes in, the fucking lunatic.

Izzy, thankfully, gets it. “Not the real Clary, someone disguised as her. Someone that can enter Valentine’s lair and get the cup” 

That seems to calm everyone down, thankfully, before Magnus speaks, little burst of magic in his hands “But who? It can’t be a downworlder” he starts “I don’t think Valentine wouldn’t realize…”

“It can be…” Jace starts, but Izzy cuts him off.

“It can’t, Jace, he wants you too. He needs you. If he realizes…” she says, diplomatically, but before she can say that she can do it Alec stops her.

“And it can’t be you either, Iz,” he tells her, even if  deep down she knows “you’re not 100%. And you won’t take that  _ thing _ again”

“Well then what can we do?” Simon laments, and Alec would be offended, but he doesn’t really care. 

Also Simon seems to be the only one that hasn’t realized that they have another option.

“Alec…” Clary starts, but Izzy almost screams covering her voice.

“No. Lydia or…” she starts, but Alec huffs.

“The clave would never sanction this mission and Lydia is in a strange situation” he says, “also I think I can do a good Clary”

No one reacts at his attempt at humor, but he isn’t surprised, it wasn’t very good.

“This is dangerous, Alexander, and without you…” Magnus begins, his voice trembles a little, “you’re not expendable”

_ Am I not? _ He wants to ask, but he doesn’t. 

  
  


The thing is that every shadowhunters is teached since a young age that dying for the  _ cause _ it’s an honor, that his life will always comes after his duty. Shadowhunters rarely live to reach 50. 

So Alec has always  _ assumed _ that what he thinks is nothing more than what he’s being teached, but no one else jumped from a roof under the effect of a spell, so what does he know.

Their plan… mostly works. He actually manages to make himself caught as Clary, he manages to make Valentine believe he’s Clary enough to actually  _ see _ the cup.

Then… then he doesn’t, but it’s too late.

Valentine figures it out, but Alec has the cup and just runs. 

Magnus had made him a portable stone to teleport himself, but he has to go outside of the boat to do it, so he runs.

In the end he makes it, and when he opens his eyes and he’s back in Magnus’ loft he’s relieved that, at least, he managed to do this.

“OH Angel, Alec!” Izzy screams and Alec realizes that he’s bleeding, badly, and that he  _ could _ be dying. 

Still can’t muster enough energy to care. Damn.

 

Magnus saves him, obviously, and everyone is so happy to see him and that he managed to take the cup, so he smiles. Izzy seems to have forgotten that they were fighting and Magnus seems to be more relaxed too.

He tries not to think that it has more to do with the cup that with him being  _ alive  _ because he know it wouldn’t be true.

“So we summon this demon?” Simon asks, eager, probably because he wasn’t there the  _ last _ time they tried to summon a demon.

“Well, at least this time the probability that Alec will have a gay freak out are slim” Jace jokes and Alec takes the rib goodnaturedly.

So summon the demon they do. Magnus advices them to be careful, that he chose a demon that should be easily controlled and that the shadowhunters can fight anyway thanks to their fearless rune.   

Agramon looks at each and everyone of them when it appears, bound, thanks to the cup, to their will. Everyone is unsettled by what they see, a flash of their greatest fear clear in their mind even with the fearless rune, it’s not that they won’t see what scares them, it’s just that they won’t be as affected by it.

Alec just sees himself. 

 

In the end it doesn’t go well, of course it doesn’t, but it could have gone worse.

They manage to destroy the sword, but Valentine takes the cup back. Luke’s sister dies, but  _ they _ are still alive.

They are tired and hurt and Magnus doesn’t have any magic left to heal them, but they are  _ alive _ and it’s more than they thought they would get.

Alec knows he should go back to the institute with the others, their mother will be furious, Lydia will be furious and he has to be there to mediate, make it better. 

He really doesn’t want to and he… 

Alec takes magnus’ hand and asks him, low, “Can I come to yours?”. His boyfriend looks surprised, possibly because they haven’t talked just the two of them in a while, or maybe because he realizes how out of character this is, but he nods, and he seems happy so that’s enough.

Alec is so tired of being himself (which might actually be half of the problem).

The other’s are surprised when Alec tells them, but Izzy hugs him and tells him “Take care of yourself, Alec”

He wants to, but he doesn’t know how, the knowledge forgotten after years of neglect. He thinks Magnus is a step in the right direction.

They don’t do much in Magnus’ loft. They are tired and they fall asleep on the bed before they can actually talk, but Alec finally feels relaxed.

His friends are alive, he saved them, he didn’t screw it up.

When he wakes up it’s afternoon, but he doesn’t move. Magnus is still asleep and his head is on Alec’s chest, his breath tickling Alec’s skin. It’s warm and comfortable.

He loves Magnus, it might be a little early to say it so he will keep this revelation secret for a while longer, but it’s enough to force other things into perspective.

Does Magnus love him? Probably not yet. Would Magnus be sad if he died? Probably yes, at least for a little while. The same could be said about his family, it’s not like Alec doesn’t think they love him, it’s just that it doesn’t seem enough for him to  _ care _ about himself dying.

“This is something I could get used to in the morning” Magnus mumbles, sleepy and smiling. Alec could too, he wants to. 

If he died he couldn’t have this. This seems like a step in the right direction.

Magnus looks up at him and kisses him “Good Morning, Alexander”.

Alec kisses him back and realizes that there is no imminent crisis, it has been so long since he could take a minute and  _ think _ about himself, them, without having something in the back of his mind. 

It’s a realization so strong that Alec just let’s go.

“I don’t actually think I want to kill myself” he says, surprising even himself. Magnus looks shocked and then worried.

“Alec…” but Alec can’t stop and listen to him, not now.

“I think it wouldn’t matter that much if I  _ did _ die, but I don’t want to  _ kill _ myself” it’s a relief saying it. It’s a relief realizing it.

Magnus doesn’t say anything for a while, but Alec is a little too busy marveling at this. It has been on his mind since the party, the fact that maybe he wanted to die. 

Being indifferent to it it’s a little better, right?

“Alexander…” Magnus finally says, and he looks like he has a speech ready “how long have you been thinking about… this”

Magnus probably knows, he’s probably busy analyzing everything Alec has done since the party, but he knows that if anyone he cares about had told him what he had told Magnus he would do the same.

“Everyone was angry at the party, yes, but no one actually tried to kill  _ himself _ ” he explains, “so I… it got stuck in my mind. Because the spell had made me  _ hear _ those things but…”

Magnus starts to play with his hair then, a way to calm himself probably. “It also amplify your response, makes you more susceptible…” but then he stops “I’m sorry I didn’t realize”

Alec looks at him and then shakes his head, “I didn’t want you to” he replies, honestly “there were more pressing concerns”

“Alec, you were trying to figure out if you were suicidal, I don’t think there is something more pressing than that” Magnus protests, but Alec shrugs.

“It doesn’t really matter if we all die anyway because of Valentine, does it?” and his boyfriend laughs, a little. Alec his rather proud of himself. But he can see the worry and the tension in his face, his shoulders so he continues “This morning I looked at you and I thought… I was glad I was alive.”   
It’s a strong declaration, but after the one he did… it feels right, and what the other needs to hear. 

“I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here, Alexander” Magnus tells him, and Alec smiles at him, pleased “so talk to me, I… please”

Alec kisses him and he knows it isn’t perfect, that he’s probably not all right, but today is a little better than it was yesterday and he hopes he can find a way, in the future, to maybe  _ fear  _ death.

Right now he thinks that if Magnus hadn’t caught him he wouldn’t be here and the relief he feels is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> So. Lately I just love getting mixed up in these kind of topics, don't I?  
> So I want to make it CLEAR that there are people ready to support you, that love you very much.  
> Alec is a stubborn ass and that's the way we love him, but there's no need to battle depression all on your own.


End file.
